Not all my posts are for children nor humor challenged people. DUH !
Santa-1 ©2011-David A. Myers
By the way, I’m gonna get a restraining order put on Santa Fatso
Clausewitz and keep that fat sonofabitch off my roof. He and those nasty critters that drag that broken down sleigh of his all over the place are ruining my roof… I’ll sue him if he does it again this year(or any other)…Reindeer shit all over the place. I mean it. What the hell do those things eat? EXLAX? DAMN!!!!!
….Hey everybody…Hot news flash. Santa has recently been heard to say that he secretly puts that very substance in the reindeer feed just before his yearly flight. That’s his secret for making them move so fast…You’ve all probably heard the phrase Gotta piss like a racehorse, meaning movin’ really fast? Well, Mr. Santa, mentioned that it is amazing what ExLax will do to a reindeer…And hooking up nine of them is like cranking up a jet engine in a Volkswagen.
…Unfortunately, Mr. Clausewitz also admitted to fondling little children throughout his whole career. We offer as circumstantial evidence all these photos of footprints of ash, from the fireplace to children’s bedroom, into bedroom, then disappearing; then reappearing and leading back to the fireplace. If that ain’t bad enough, check out the front headlines and cover story in the Nationalist Enquiry for details about his ongoing affair with Vixen(she is kinda cute).
…Somethings gotta be done! He and his gang of thieves are ruining my home. Missing silverware, and God help me if I don’t put out enough milk and cookies(which he says he never eats because he is watching his weight…yeah, watching it get bigger)(we still talking about Santa’s weight here?). I’ll admit he never touches milk or cookies(except…never mind, some things just shouldn’t be mentioned)(in public). Anyhow, he and his gluttonous crew head straight to my liquor cabinet. Clean the damned thing out too. I have it locked like Fort Knox, but that don’t stop him. Oh hell no. Bastard even has the keys to Area 51, out there in Nevada…So my puny locks don’t even slow him down.
Now, all those Elves and the LARGE One getting shitfaced in my living room and molesting my children is bad enough but when they bring in those fucking reindeer, It’s too much…They stink up my house worse than, than, Hell there ain’t nothing to compare it to. Then they have the unmitigated gall to take it all up on my roof(or what’s left of it), then raise a ruckus that has every dog in the neighborhood howling like crazy, and generally trashing my front lawn. I even caught that asshole who thinks he is sooo cute. What’z his name? Oh yeah, Rude Off. What a strange name!….pissing in my prize flowerbed, then they just all fly off to fuck with the rest of the world…It’s almost enough to make a man convert to I Slam. (they don’t care much for Christmas)…Hmmm
…I think I’ll mount an air defense system and just blow ’em out of the sky when they come back next year. hehehe…I could mount Rude Off’s nose as a Christmas ornament or use it for a door knocker. I’ve heard that reindeer skin makes a really good rein coat! Nah Nah Nah. Stinks way too much!